In Pursuit of my Personal Legend

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Boomerang Love and Changing Emotions

All I can begin with is this: I've never felt like this before. I've never been in a position that has truly shaken up how I relate to those I love like this.

Basically my wall of trust has been ripped apart. Before I told myself that I had to work on opening up myself more to others. Now I feel like I'll have to start from square one. In friendships that I consider priceless I pour out my time and talents towards them. If the friend is in some sort of trouble or needs my advice I'll be right there. Or, in some cases I have faith in someone that I think distance wouldn't cause a problem. Yet I await a phone call that has never come.

There are four people past and present that I have counted as "close". One helped me out so much and in turn I tried my best to uphold the friendship. But weeks turned into months and here and there the occasional communication comes my way. Always though it seems at the expense of some help - and maybe that's alright, I totally did depend on the friend for so long. Still it hurts. They say that when someone leaves you there is a hole in your heart. Right now I feel like three big holes. The fourth I thought was over and done with, now I think it is yet to come. Another I thought everything was always going to be alright. A season came though that rocked the boat. Just as I thought the storm had subsided another hurricane came hitting full force. I was left with uncertainty for our future. The questions remained: Did I do enough? What harm had I caused? The next one I kept convincing myself was 50/50. Yet their lack of a love for life left me downhearted. That person clings to me - leaves me wanting to scream and run to the nearest city. Yes I don't mind when someone depends on me. I'm sorry though I'm not a life line. Only God can help you with that one. Also the selfishness I cannot bear. I'm not perfect and I am selfish but one must try to catch themselves. The last one - what can I say? I'm on edge. Not because I'm afraid of being left again. Rather I feel it will be another roller coaster ride of endless pleas of help, that will leave me drained and wishing that people dig into inner strength  rather than selfishness.

Sigh - I am absolutely tired of these boomerang loves. They bounce back and forth. I can't predict whether they will stay or go. They leave a trail of broken glass. I don't want any more cuts from the glass. I want to walk forward. Why put up with fighting for boomerang loves, when I could focus my energy on pursuing my dreams? All these baffle my mind. I have tried to dedicate my life in a way that people always come first. What if those people that you want to come first all of sudden become a hindrance to a good rest at night, a block to the positive energy that keeps you moving during the day? I need to sit with the Lord on this. You asked me to love like You did. What does that mean? Where do you draw the line? For now as I wait for the answers about dealing with boomerang love that isn't solid - I hold those boomerangs in prayer. If I can't love them anymore with my time and talents then I will love them in prayer. When they come to my being, I will try to think good thoughts towards them. I will love them at a distance.

As for my second title for this post. Changing emotions is about anything and anyone. Recently I have had roller coaster emotions. Emotions that left me so scared that food was out of the question. Love that left me to tears. Fear that left me breathless. Jealousy that I must turn a blind eye to. Loneliness that opened my eyes to a peaceful reality of how only One could really connect with us.

I feared some one's leadership position. At first I fought them but as time passed, my energy was spent and all I could do was stand there and let fear in. Fear came loud, quite and demanding. I discovered fear again as I was put into a new atmosphere. It whispered to me that I couldn't do it. I fight it everyday of my waking moments. But I've never felt on guard with it - as if I'm going to war. Despair came creeping in. Leaving me lethargic and afraid of opening my eyes in the morning. Compassion surprised me when I felt love towards someone that I want to fight for the rest of my life. Compassion whispered to me of being gentle. Love brought tears from rejection and of misplaced love and urges me to forgive - to find out the foundation and the whys of peoples and situations.

I thought I knew it all - friendship tells me "true friends are like diamonds they are hidden, rare and they sparkle, other friendships are like weeds they grow everywhere- emotions hit me full circle leaving me wondering, are these new emotions or are they refined? Does growing up have to do with it? Is it a sign of maturity or am I being too sensitive or selfish?