Changing Face

I have changed. I have clung now to earth tones instead of the satin colours of cloths that cover alters and drab around masters of worship. Don't get me wrong, I will still stand beside the altar and ask Almighty God - what steps do I take next? I will still bow down and hold the Cross as a key to my salvation. As I continue to do the sign of the cross, I will still feel holiness as I touch my hand to my forehead and feel the Creator's touch.

Still, there is a silent but inserted here. Instead of my old beliefs of how salvation is a one way street, I think to myself God is truly gracious. With all the old and new religions floating around- I believe there is some form of true element to them. Yes I believe creation happened in a series of events spanning more than thousands of years because "wisdom sits in places" as Keith Basso derived through Apache landscape and as evolutionary theories proclaim. Still, I hang on to the truth of a Creator. Also not a stupid one at all. One that His genius (or Her genius or both) did more than create but foresee human's tendency to see truth differently or more subjectively.

And you know what? Maybe truth can be a subjective thing. Or more so, maybe there are more ways to tell the truth. The ultimate Truth about God does not then lie in His supposed prophets, false prophets, true prophets but lies in this, and summed up in only this: God is wise love. Yes, wise love that has lived since the beginning of this world. Who through seeing times passed and who, responsible for creating our inner selves alongside our outer selves knows the wars we have and are still continuing to rage against everything including religion.

This truth gives me relieve. It makes me stop - even if for a moment or a couple of years - trying to find a one true religion. There is no such thing. Each faith, creed, whatever you want to call it, has some element of truth. Yet in our world we classify things into black and white, boxes, stages, types, and an either or world. This cannot be. Things could be a myriad of things, without us knowing.

Others with this knowledge may then argue against religion all together. Humanity though needs some form of moral compass and faith can be one of those things, as long as things don't go into extremities or get too soft spoken about everything. Balance is key. Maybe that's what the Great Creator in all His love and knowledge wants us to do, try our best to keep balance, because even the physical world screams for it. Besides, it's an exhausting thing to piece together the unseen realms. God did not intend it to be that way, rather more of a refreshing strengthing force in our lives. 

- the phrase "wisdom sits in places" is from the Linguistic Anthropologist  Keith Basso's Wisdom Sits in Places

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Words from my Diary

I wrote this on a piece of paper:

Can you answer this for me?
Does one constantly change to
One day evolve into who they are meant to be
Or is one always becoming someone else,
Like a continuous spectrum of
Differing beliefs, goals and aspirations?
And maybe luckily keeps a bit
Of their original essence of who
They are to be?

I think of this. I think of how I've changed, and yet how I'm still the same. I still seek more. I'm not looking for happiness- cause I've found joy deep down. An unexplainable joy that lets me listen to the cars pass by as I wake up to a new day. A joy that lets me smell the morning air, rush home to feel safe.

But I still go around making friends, telling friends only surface things. Surface things like how I like the new boy I'm seeing. Surface things like how I can't wait to start that new job, and I can't wait to be part of a conference because I have a moment to speak.

What I fail to tell them, is about that sharp empty feeling that comes unannounced. I fail to tell them how I'm swimming in financial failure - and just can't get myself straighten up and how I wish I can share this burden with someone. And how that conference means more than just a reignition- how it's actually a way  for me to escape that fear so I can express myself.  I fail to say how I wish I can have a forever friend. A 2AM crazy chat friend. Someone that it would be defiantly unquestionable not to see them every week.

I can tell them about the music that makes me feel that I'm reaching and touching eternity. I can tell them  about the words that jump at me on a page, a blog - that make me say to myself, "Yes, I'm not the only one that feels like this. Yes I am sane. Yes, I'm on the right track. I'm drawing water from Wisdom and have the ability to see my mistakes and like others have a hard time breaking these chained up habits. "

So what's the solution? I guess keep living, keep struggling. And go with caution- to push through - and look for others, open up to others about this wild crazy heart of mine.

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