In Pursuit of my Personal Legend

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Finding Community

(In) Courage bloggers challenges its on-line community to find creative and practical ways to build a local community. The prompt is suppose to be for Fridays but since I had some lee-way today I thought why not do it on Tuesday? Then I'll link it up on Friday. Although, it won't be a Five-minute endeavour.

Having formed our new group on Facebook, my friend Tracheal and along with a bunch of us girls decided to form a group that lets us live our fullest. We focus on inner growth to sustain joy and outer growth to build stronger links to one another, cause the truth is we are not born to live this life alone.

What do we exactly do in Joy to Live (the name that Rachel beautifully chose)? Every second Sunday, we do something the group has an interest in. For example this Sunday, our first official event, we are making a vision board. We will be cutting pictures of anything that means something to us. It can be a quote we like, pictures of ourselves, our favourite food, or favourite activities and glue on, on some type of paper. (I've never done one so do not know all the intricacies involved in it). In the end of the collage we think of what our interests are and where we are heading in life.

Some other things we have planned are: seeing a play, going to the local art museum, doing zumba and painting some pots we can get at the dollar store.  For zumba we have two great ladies in the group who are such fabulous and aspiring teachers.

It's an open club that welcomes all that are interested and we find something affordable, environmental friendly and doable. I am definitely psyched for it and will keep everyone posted!

Picture from

Friday, September 21, 2012

Five Minute Fridays : Friday, September 21

So the bloggers I follow are part of a loving, and accepting community called [In] Courage and they share their blogs through that site. Every Friday Lisa-Jo encourages everyone to do a Five-minute Friday on their blog. Usually there is a prompt(theme) to write about. But since tonight I have a few things in mind, I will write about it. I'll write "Go" and keep writing non-stop for five minutes than after 5, I'll write "Stop"


Today was a beautiful autumn day that will definitely stick with me. Being at Wild Earth coffee-shop, it was inspiring to watch Emily sing her heart out. It inspired me to think again about pursuing vocals. I haven't heard from the MacEwan Art centre's music teachers. This week I will definitely pursue that.

So after Katie and I went to Wild Earth we stopped at the Wee Book Inn. The way we were treated was not nice to say the least, from a busy unfriendly sales associate who after rudely refusing my book trades and then telling Katie that she did not have "Eat, Pray, and Love" with no effort to try locating in on the computer,  started to vacuum close to us and after saying "sorry, but you ladies have to move" (this still not being close to closing time), started to usher us out of the book store with the vacumn cleaner.

I whispered to Katie "Don't get the book, let's boycott the place" and we eventually left. That being said, tomorrow morning I am going to call the store and let them know about our experience. Depending on how that talk will go, I will either fully boycott or accept an apology and move on. Wee Book Inn has always been one of my favourite book stores (though I do love almost all book-stores!), and I would like to continue to support their business. Will see!


That's what I got out for 5-mins.

Pictures from and

Thursday, September 6, 2012

A Letter to Someone I Love

As you have known, I've pushed and tugged against you. But what you have not known is that you are always on my mind.

I think of you when someone inquires about the loved ones in my life. I think of you as I watch strangers bond in that relationship that is like none other. I think of you as someone brags and jokes about their special  bond. I think of you in the quite of the night, as I merge the past and the present together.

Then I seriously ask myself about what it means to truly forgive. You have asked my forgiveness countless of times, but this pain runs deep, and I am afraid that a mere phone call may lead to brokenness again and again. Even knowing full well that being broken leads to healing, I am afraid there is no concrete healing in this relationship.

I am afraid that when I do see you, I will feel guilty that I have not been loving. Then I will also feel angry as  I try to blame this guilt on you.

To you who I love, I know I have not been loving you well. So, as I run myself in circles belittling myself on what step to take next, I think to myself, I cannot do this alone. I then reach my hand out to the One you introduced me to, that long time ago on a terrain that we were forced to call home. I remember you telling me how only He could deliver us from turmoil. Since those fateful early days, my relationship has gotten stronger with Him. And right now He urges me, to let it go. To let it go, and find a way back to you. To stop playing avoidance and be open and honest.

For this forgiveness, this love, I must give to you, is the whole reason for our roaming in this strange world, that is not really ours.  And this love, like Love that brought us food and hope, is not passive. This love is active and does not sit down, going through it's should haves and could haves. This love walks forward.

So to you I love, I walk forward, first with this letter, and next with a voice belonging to footsteps that tread back to the heart that held me, before anyone else did.


Saturday, July 7, 2012

I Want/ I Have

I am going to hold my breath and plunge through this.

I am looking inside my fridge, and although it's filled with food, this is what runs through my mind "boring food".

Morning rush - I throw clothes all over the floor saying I have nothing to wear. Just the other day a young girl asks me whether I have lots of clothes or not. I tell her how I calculate that. I usually do laundry every two weeks, and if I go over the three week line, I still have lots of clothes to choose from. AND chances are, there are more than a few clothes that never get touched for more than months.

I live in this material world, and I cannot blame anyone else but myself for being materialistic. Could you imagine going to a third world country, and saying, "I won't eat that, it's blah"?

Even though I know this truth, this truth is hard to live by. I've taken steps to change my outlook on having "boring food" or "no clothes". The solution - be creative and resourceful. With clothes you can mix and match. With food go on-line for new recipe ideas, buy different kinds of foods- so that one can have many meal options.

One of my problems with this is that doing the same thing takes less time and less effort. But I need to go against that mindset because the truth is that I want what I want until I have it. There's a saying "gratitude is saying thank-you to God." And so I want to live that. I want to live in such a way that social justice and love are part of me.

By being: creative, resourceful, and thankful, I can understand what I have, and put an effort towards helping those that do not have. This is not a guilt trip tactic, this is reality that embraces beauty by being considerate of the situation in our yard and others' backyards.

So my "I wants" become "I haves" and looks beneath the surface to envision a world that meets needs and wants.

Pictures from -

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

This Growing Up Stuff

I've heard the saying "this growing up stuff ain't fair, and is hard", whispered in between lines from a book trenched with fear and defeat, trying to place hope in the minds of the reader through complex characters etched in ink, I've heard it in songs through the sad lyrics with voices caught in pain, I've seen it in the eyes of young actors suddenly discovering it through some life-altering event, and I've seen it sketched in black ink, the child not understanding about this crazy grown up world.

And I claimed I felt it when I realized that my Mother and I did not see eye to eye, but also that I could not explain my pain to her. For a moment in time, I felt shattered, all the pieces of me missing and not sure when it happened, but knowing it must have started with a child not allowed to explore her backyard.

So with all that, that has happened recently, I scramble around to be sure and confident. Whenever someone asks me, "how do you do it, supporting yourself?" I draw a blank. To me I did what I had to do. Though definitely not perfect, and most absolutely definitely not in an organized manner. Though my attempts at organization did amount to something. Still when you are young and trying to organize, find yourself, and relish freedom, all the priorities get blurred. Not that I didn't know what came first, but feeling that I had to enjoy the eighteen years of my life that I never did, I choose the freedom in order to find myself. But it hits me hard now at twenty-three, when society asks one to be an adult yet at the same time looks at you as too young to understand.

And now I think, if one wants to help raise a child, whether as a community or a family one should teach them the ways of finances and filing. Society laughs at the young broke college student, but forgets to ask "who helped?" It thinks that the young adult is irresponsible and should use common sense. I beg to differ. This growing up stuff is hard, and it would be a better journey if guidance is issued and little love and life lessons were passed down properly. As for now I'll take the extra steps to recognize and stick to a new plan, all the while storing up a bit of wisdom to pass on to the young adult that one day will cross paths with the older adult.

Pictures courtesy of: -

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Easter Monday - Another Trek by the River

Another evening walk down by the Saskatchewan River. This time I find new trails. The more interesting ones are the unmarked ones, only discovered through the ground that yields no plantation. I follow these paths, leaning in closer to the sounds of the river. Today, the islands of snow become mere clumps of snow.

As I walk eastward, I discover benches calling me to stick around for reading and studying. Maybe tomorrow I may bring my books. Who knows? Aristotle might make more sense by the riverside. I did tackle him today beside my balcony windows, hoping that the sun might shed some light on his numerous words that form mazes in my head. Pondering these, I spot four seagulls on the horizon. Now only three are left then two, then back to three as the sunlight plays tricks on my eyes.

 For a moment I take off my sunglasses, basking in the even more serene sight, I am amazed by nature's beauty despite the stink of the sun's rays on my sensitive eyes. I decide that if I can I will unveil my eyes from shaded glasses, to grasp this wondrous site. For the shades dim the view and discolour it, losing the real colours of the water, sky and plants surrounding me here by the Saskatchewan River.  The faraway sound of the geese get closer, and I am just in time to see two geese sweep above me. I see their immensity and the grace they display as they fly to seek another side of the riverbank.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Easter Sunday

Stuffed, walking outside by the river,
Snow and leaves crunch under my black boots.
Sun brings blue brilliance to the sky.
I put my sunglasses on to watch
Faltering steps caused by
The daunting light of the sun.

My breath comes out free but
Lips are opened in a shape of o,
Surprised to find myself standing
So high from the riverbank.
I watch islands of snow
Float across the river.
Wild geese call to each other,
Sometimes answered by the squeal of
Magnificent flying magpies.

Glancing down again, I am
Tempted to dive into the murky waters
Of the river.
I stop myself thinking of
The long way down.
The icy water not yet
Recovered from winter will leave me
Cold and disappointed.

Yes winter still lingers,
Though spring's sunshine melts
The snow, clearing the
Ground for hopeful walkers,
Needing a break from
Studying and self.
This visit from spring leads me
From being buried in despair,
Reconnecting with new Life
That defeats physical and
Emotional death.

Walking onwards,
I discover my only way back
Is to retrace my steps or to
Climb up steep marks
That are substituted for stairs,
Now covered by snow.
I chose to climb, trudging,
Almost on all fours,
Gently grabbing skinny trees,
Thrilled that I can be
Fearless in some areas of my life.
I dug the fence, fingers cold, knowing
I must get back.


I am stealing the title from Kanye West.

I knew it from the start. I could not care and love that way. First of this was all new to me. Me, the loner that I am. Afraid and suspicious of anyone that gives me a second look. Always finding fault at the beginning, to save myself the trouble later.
Well, when you get caught in a lovelockdown, you are locked. At first I gave it my all, knowing the idea of it blinded me to believe that I was caught in an eros moment, when really I was caught in an Augustine "in love with love" moment. My heart was thinking, "love,love,love and give people a chance." My mind said, "this can never work, your stages in life conflict. " My conscience played devil's advocate. "You open the lock, and you open up hurt, and you become the heart breaker."

In the end I managed to unlock myself, not alone though. Two people who just mere acquittance played "tough love"and pulled me back to my feet, back to reality. These two, I am ever grateful for. They made me face my fear and pushed me even though I was fiercely shaking my head no, and wanted to bolt the whole time.

The words "no man is an island" brought me to another reality zone. I keep thinking I am in this alone. When in truth many shape me and help me. And why is it that it's the passer-bys in life, that seem to know me well then the guests that always come to visit?

Lovelockdown. I think that word can go for other relationships in my life too. Until next time . . .

Wednesday, February 29, 2012


Usually when I read what Bonnie's topic for the Faith Jam Thursdays are I am psyched, and by the end of the week I'm bombarded by keeping up with my schedule to post anything. Today, I'm prepared to write. However, when I saw the topic on the screen: trust, I hesitated thinking to myself, "I don't want to do it on this topic. There's nothing I can come up with for this."

An hour passes, as I go about checking my emails, facebook, and browse around the web. It hits me, I don't want to talk about trust, because I struggle with it. So like a lot of things that I push away, I revisit again. Not because I am eager, or have nothing better to (insert lame laughter here), but because of the simple promise I made to myself journeying through 2011. I promised myself that I will not do something, simply because of fear. And so here I trudge along with trust and decide to string a couple words together on how I feel and perceive trust .  

Thanks, Bonnie for challenging me to this.

Hands too afraid to clasp,
Afraid the other will let go.
The heart faltering,
To just have a whisper
Of assurance, to keep going onwards.

Life's challenges,
Swarming, spinning,
Leaving me dizzy,
Suspicions arise 
That the ultimate Love
Promise is not meant 
For me.

Soul boundless,
Longing to grip
The Hand of the Spirit.
One hand grips the Saviour's.
The other hand compelled
To connect with others.
Words echo to remind 
Me that one does
Not go through life
Motionless, singular.

Life meant to live 
In community.
Fear clutches,
Not wanting to reach
To embrace.
Uncertainty fidgets 
Holds on for awhile,
Lets go.

I start back at one
Hands too afraid to clasp. . .
My eyes stray to 
One outside of me,
Knowing one day
Both hands will
Hold will be stretched in