In Pursuit of my Personal Legend

Thursday, September 6, 2012

A Letter to Someone I Love

As you have known, I've pushed and tugged against you. But what you have not known is that you are always on my mind.

I think of you when someone inquires about the loved ones in my life. I think of you as I watch strangers bond in that relationship that is like none other. I think of you as someone brags and jokes about their special  bond. I think of you in the quite of the night, as I merge the past and the present together.

Then I seriously ask myself about what it means to truly forgive. You have asked my forgiveness countless of times, but this pain runs deep, and I am afraid that a mere phone call may lead to brokenness again and again. Even knowing full well that being broken leads to healing, I am afraid there is no concrete healing in this relationship.

I am afraid that when I do see you, I will feel guilty that I have not been loving. Then I will also feel angry as  I try to blame this guilt on you.

To you who I love, I know I have not been loving you well. So, as I run myself in circles belittling myself on what step to take next, I think to myself, I cannot do this alone. I then reach my hand out to the One you introduced me to, that long time ago on a terrain that we were forced to call home. I remember you telling me how only He could deliver us from turmoil. Since those fateful early days, my relationship has gotten stronger with Him. And right now He urges me, to let it go. To let it go, and find a way back to you. To stop playing avoidance and be open and honest.

For this forgiveness, this love, I must give to you, is the whole reason for our roaming in this strange world, that is not really ours.  And this love, like Love that brought us food and hope, is not passive. This love is active and does not sit down, going through it's should haves and could haves. This love walks forward.

So to you I love, I walk forward, first with this letter, and next with a voice belonging to footsteps that tread back to the heart that held me, before anyone else did.


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