In Pursuit of my Personal Legend

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Boomerang Love and Changing Emotions

All I can begin with is this: I've never felt like this before. I've never been in a position that has truly shaken up how I relate to those I love like this.

Basically my wall of trust has been ripped apart. Before I told myself that I had to work on opening up myself more to others. Now I feel like I'll have to start from square one. In friendships that I consider priceless I pour out my time and talents towards them. If the friend is in some sort of trouble or needs my advice I'll be right there. Or, in some cases I have faith in someone that I think distance wouldn't cause a problem. Yet I await a phone call that has never come.

There are four people past and present that I have counted as "close". One helped me out so much and in turn I tried my best to uphold the friendship. But weeks turned into months and here and there the occasional communication comes my way. Always though it seems at the expense of some help - and maybe that's alright, I totally did depend on the friend for so long. Still it hurts. They say that when someone leaves you there is a hole in your heart. Right now I feel like three big holes. The fourth I thought was over and done with, now I think it is yet to come. Another I thought everything was always going to be alright. A season came though that rocked the boat. Just as I thought the storm had subsided another hurricane came hitting full force. I was left with uncertainty for our future. The questions remained: Did I do enough? What harm had I caused? The next one I kept convincing myself was 50/50. Yet their lack of a love for life left me downhearted. That person clings to me - leaves me wanting to scream and run to the nearest city. Yes I don't mind when someone depends on me. I'm sorry though I'm not a life line. Only God can help you with that one. Also the selfishness I cannot bear. I'm not perfect and I am selfish but one must try to catch themselves. The last one - what can I say? I'm on edge. Not because I'm afraid of being left again. Rather I feel it will be another roller coaster ride of endless pleas of help, that will leave me drained and wishing that people dig into inner strength  rather than selfishness.

Sigh - I am absolutely tired of these boomerang loves. They bounce back and forth. I can't predict whether they will stay or go. They leave a trail of broken glass. I don't want any more cuts from the glass. I want to walk forward. Why put up with fighting for boomerang loves, when I could focus my energy on pursuing my dreams? All these baffle my mind. I have tried to dedicate my life in a way that people always come first. What if those people that you want to come first all of sudden become a hindrance to a good rest at night, a block to the positive energy that keeps you moving during the day? I need to sit with the Lord on this. You asked me to love like You did. What does that mean? Where do you draw the line? For now as I wait for the answers about dealing with boomerang love that isn't solid - I hold those boomerangs in prayer. If I can't love them anymore with my time and talents then I will love them in prayer. When they come to my being, I will try to think good thoughts towards them. I will love them at a distance.

As for my second title for this post. Changing emotions is about anything and anyone. Recently I have had roller coaster emotions. Emotions that left me so scared that food was out of the question. Love that left me to tears. Fear that left me breathless. Jealousy that I must turn a blind eye to. Loneliness that opened my eyes to a peaceful reality of how only One could really connect with us.

I feared some one's leadership position. At first I fought them but as time passed, my energy was spent and all I could do was stand there and let fear in. Fear came loud, quite and demanding. I discovered fear again as I was put into a new atmosphere. It whispered to me that I couldn't do it. I fight it everyday of my waking moments. But I've never felt on guard with it - as if I'm going to war. Despair came creeping in. Leaving me lethargic and afraid of opening my eyes in the morning. Compassion surprised me when I felt love towards someone that I want to fight for the rest of my life. Compassion whispered to me of being gentle. Love brought tears from rejection and of misplaced love and urges me to forgive - to find out the foundation and the whys of peoples and situations.

I thought I knew it all - friendship tells me "true friends are like diamonds they are hidden, rare and they sparkle, other friendships are like weeds they grow everywhere- emotions hit me full circle leaving me wondering, are these new emotions or are they refined? Does growing up have to do with it? Is it a sign of maturity or am I being too sensitive or selfish?

Sunday, September 5, 2010


It seems that we are all drawn to prepare for something no matter where we are in the many stages of life. A three year old is taught to pick up his/her toys, colors, shapes, how to get along with other children, so that they are ready for kindergarten.

As a teenager we are taught to think for ourselves. Maybe we may pick up some skills as cooking, doing laundry . . . Our teachers prepare us for the time when we become young adults and head to college. As young adults many date to find their soul mate and hopefully one day to settle down. Then when married, couples prepare for when children come into the picture.

And for the Christian we take this to heart. We are either preparing for Christ's coming or for the next life and so we practice to love fiercely, to walk in Christ's footsteps.

But one thing we should all remember - let's not be so engrossed in preparing that we miss living the moments we have so badly prepared for. For a long time I have been contemplating, and trying to live the present moment. It isn't until now that I have been living the present moment, yet I'm not all there.

Step by step I try to relish the small moments. A child holding my hand, a loved one's phone call, the sound of a favourite song, a stolen moment with a warm mug of coffee or tea, or the last warmth of the summer sun - enjoying all that makes life worth living. It makes my heart burst as gratitude plays a big role in my peace and joy. And oh yeah never forget to act upon an opportunity to smile and laugh for "the joy of the Lord is (your) strength."

Changing Seasons

In Edmonton, Autumn has always been my favourite season. To me it marks a sudden change. Usually the first indicator for a new school year, it always brought to my attention a change of routine. Most importantly, it renewed my hope for a fresh new start. The colors of this season brings peace and a sense of renewed strength to serve God in new and challenging ways.

I feel that this fall I have enjoyed it more than others. Maybe it was because this time around there were changes but not too many at the same time. Now that Winter is around the corner, there are new adventures to embark on. And the whispers of Christmas lift me up.

These new adventures I know will again stretch me and bring me closer to my many destinations. Also this Autumn in particular reinforced in me the concept of letting go and trusting that the Good Lord will provide even though many times I felt like I was "at the end of my ropes".

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Words of Comfort from Psalm 31

In Your justice deliver me; incline Your ear to me! Be my rock of refuge, a stronghold to save me. You are my rock and my fortress; for Your name's sake lead and guide me.

Free me from the net they have set for me, for You are my refuge. Into Your hands I commend my spirit, You will redeem me, Lord, faithful God.

I will rejoice and be glad in Your love, once You have seen my misery, observed my distress. You will not abandon me into enemy hands, but will set my feet in a free and open space.

Be gracious to me, Lord, for I am in distress; with grief my eyes are wasted, my soul and body spent. My life is worn out by sorrow, my years by sighing. My strength fails in affliction; my bones are consumed. I am forgetten, out of mind like the dead; I am like a shattered dish. I hear the whispers of the crowd; terrors are around me. They conspire against me; they plot to take my life.

But I trust in You, Lord; I say, "You are my God." My times are in Your hands . . .save me in Your kindness. How great is Your goodness, Lord, stored up for those who fear You. You hide them in the shelter of Your presence, safe from scheming enemies.

Blessed be the Lord, who has shown me wondrous love, and been for me a city most secure. Once I said in my anguish, "I am shut out from Your sight," Yet You heard my plea, when I cried out to You.

Love the Lord, all you faithful. The Lord protects the loyal, but repays the arrogant in full. Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.

Being Uncommon

In my teenage years I always told myself that I was different, and there was nothing wrong with it. I liked my individuality and stuck to it. But when I started to reach my twenties I kept comparing myself to others. Wishing that I can connect with others because that person or persons was like me.
Today as I read (In) Courage - one of my favourite blogs - I realized the gift of being uncommon. According to Lysa Terkeurst going all out and being uncommon is more than just being yourself. It's straining to hear God's call to be different - to let Him fill out all the spaces in your heart.
Lysa lets us know that being uncommon means "to rise up" from the ordinary. Or more like what the world labels "ordinary".

P.S. Always feel free to leave a comment.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Pain and Loneliness

I'm going to mostly start my blogs with quotes from a song or a book. On this topic two songs come strongly to mind.

Adam Gregory's "Could've fooled me" started with "I'm fading like the tallilights/ of a car that you pass in the middle of the night, man it's lonley out here/ There is just not enough gasoline/ to put the distance I need/ between the hurt inside."

No matter how much this peace that surpasses understand flows over me, the pain still remains. Yes I feel that "All shall be well" as Julian of Norwich would say- but the pain is there.

And more than lately it has been sitting there - cutting deep making me catch my breath a few times.

We are born social beings. But I don't think that fact helps me at all. I have many people to turn to. Yet I feel I'm still seeking for that place to call home, that shoulder to cry one. That someone that I can ring up at 3 in the morning. That person/persons that will come rushing in when they suspect trouble.

You see I still feel like I'm hiding myself from others. I have come a long ways regarding trusting others. However, deep inside I wished people can see through me. I wish they can see that pain I so desperatley need adressed, yet I'm afraid of being exposed.

Sarah Mclachlan's Fallen song says it to. "Heaven bent to take my hand/ and lead me to the fire/ Be a long awaited answer to a long and painful fight. ./ We believed that we change ourselves/ the past can be undone/ But we carry on our back the burden time always reveals/in the lonley light of morning/ and the wound that would not heal/ " That lonliness is like "The bitter taste of losing everything/ That I have held so dear." I feel like that wound, that wound of pain, of being rejected, will not heal. It sits there with me. Sometimes it will be forgetten but it still remains.

St. Augstine said that "we are restless until we rest in God." That we are made for God. And I continue to seek my Lord for all time. But what I beg - "my prayer without ceasing" - is that I find a home on earth I find Jesus "in the flesh". A walking Jesus - someone to hold me - someone to understand where I'm going and where I've come from.

I pine for something that I have never had. Because of it - I chose my friends carefully. And even more carefully do I open myself to them. Because of it- I'm harsh on my family. I feel that they should be entitled to know how I feel. But that is a wrong stand. I know that we cannot assume people to know ourselves. The truth is we don't even know ourselves 100 %. That's where God stands.

And so I continue to battle with God. I feel like in this manner He is silent. Before I could hear Him say - "but I'm here for you." Lately though I scream back "but where are the hugs the arms to hold me when I'm slipping. . ."