Easter Monday - Another Trek by the River

Another evening walk down by the Saskatchewan River. This time I find new trails. The more interesting ones are the unmarked ones, only discovered through the ground that yields no plantation. I follow these paths, leaning in closer to the sounds of the river. Today, the islands of snow become mere clumps of snow.

As I walk eastward, I discover benches calling me to stick around for reading and studying. Maybe tomorrow I may bring my books. Who knows? Aristotle might make more sense by the riverside. I did tackle him today beside my balcony windows, hoping that the sun might shed some light on his numerous words that form mazes in my head. Pondering these, I spot four seagulls on the horizon. Now only three are left then two, then back to three as the sunlight plays tricks on my eyes.

 For a moment I take off my sunglasses, basking in the even more serene sight, I am amazed by nature's beauty despite the stink of the sun's rays on my sensitive eyes. I decide that if I can I will unveil my eyes from shaded glasses, to grasp this wondrous site. For the shades dim the view and discolour it, losing the real colours of the water, sky and plants surrounding me here by the Saskatchewan River.  The faraway sound of the geese get closer, and I am just in time to see two geese sweep above me. I see their immensity and the grace they display as they fly to seek another side of the riverbank.

Easter Sunday

Stuffed, walking outside by the river,
Snow and leaves crunch under my black boots.
Sun brings blue brilliance to the sky.
I put my sunglasses on to watch
Faltering steps caused by
The daunting light of the sun.

My breath comes out free but
Lips are opened in a shape of o,
Surprised to find myself standing
So high from the riverbank.
I watch islands of snow
Float across the river.
Wild geese call to each other,
Sometimes answered by the squeal of
Magnificent flying magpies.

Glancing down again, I am
Tempted to dive into the murky waters
Of the river.
I stop myself thinking of
The long way down.
The icy water not yet
Recovered from winter will leave me
Cold and disappointed.

Yes winter still lingers,
Though spring's sunshine melts
The snow, clearing the
Ground for hopeful walkers,
Needing a break from
Studying and self.
This visit from spring leads me
From being buried in despair,
Reconnecting with new Life
That defeats physical and
Emotional death.

Walking onwards,
I discover my only way back
Is to retrace my steps or to
Climb up steep marks
That are substituted for stairs,
Now covered by snow.
I chose to climb, trudging,
Almost on all fours,
Gently grabbing skinny trees,
Thrilled that I can be
Fearless in some areas of my life.
I dug the fence, fingers cold, knowing
I must get back.

"Lovelockdown"

I am stealing the title from Kanye West.

I knew it from the start. I could not care and love that way. First of this was all new to me. Me, the loner that I am. Afraid and suspicious of anyone that gives me a second look. Always finding fault at the beginning, to save myself the trouble later.
       
Well, when you get caught in a lovelockdown, you are locked. At first I gave it my all, knowing the idea of it blinded me to believe that I was caught in an eros moment, when really I was caught in an Augustine "in love with love" moment. My heart was thinking, "love,love,love and give people a chance." My mind said, "this can never work, your stages in life conflict. " My conscience played devil's advocate. "You open the lock, and you open up hurt, and you become the heart breaker."

In the end I managed to unlock myself, not alone though. Two people who just mere acquittance played "tough love"and pulled me back to my feet, back to reality. These two, I am ever grateful for. They made me face my fear and pushed me even though I was fiercely shaking my head no, and wanted to bolt the whole time.

The words "no man is an island" brought me to another reality zone. I keep thinking I am in this alone. When in truth many shape me and help me. And why is it that it's the passer-bys in life, that seem to know me well then the guests that always come to visit?

Lovelockdown. I think that word can go for other relationships in my life too. Until next time . . .