I wrote this on a piece of paper:
Can you answer this for me?
Does one constantly change to
One day evolve into who they are meant to be
Or is one always becoming someone else,
Like a continuous spectrum of
Differing beliefs, goals and aspirations?
And maybe luckily keeps a bit
Of their original essence of who
They are to be?
I think of this. I think of how I've changed, and yet how I'm still the same. I still seek more. I'm not looking for happiness- cause I've found joy deep down. An unexplainable joy that lets me listen to the cars pass by as I wake up to a new day. A joy that lets me smell the morning air, rush home to feel safe.
But I still go around making friends, telling friends only surface things. Surface things like how I like the new boy I'm seeing. Surface things like how I can't wait to start that new job, and I can't wait to be part of a conference because I have a moment to speak.
What I fail to tell them, is about that sharp empty feeling that comes unannounced. I fail to tell them how I'm swimming in financial failure - and just can't get myself straighten up and how I wish I can share this burden with someone. And how that conference means more than just a reignition- how it's actually a way for me to escape that fear so I can express myself. I fail to say how I wish I can have a forever friend. A 2AM crazy chat friend. Someone that it would be defiantly unquestionable not to see them every week.
I can tell them about the music that makes me feel that I'm reaching and touching eternity. I can tell them about the words that jump at me on a page, a blog - that make me say to myself, "Yes, I'm not the only one that feels like this. Yes I am sane. Yes, I'm on the right track. I'm drawing water from Wisdom and have the ability to see my mistakes and like others have a hard time breaking these chained up habits. "
So what's the solution? I guess keep living, keep struggling. And go with caution- to push through - and look for others, open up to others about this wild crazy heart of mine.